My Dead Language

I didn’t think

I didn’t think
I’d let you get away
Yet you are slowly slipping
Through my fingers
I no longer have the energy to keep
You’ve been abundant but restless
And I don’t quite fill your needs
You are far from what I imagined
Yet perfect in your every deed
So misfortune is my presence
You are no longer the light
That leads me into nothingness

My Dead Language

Dreaming lovely

Dreaming lovely

Never cared for shadows

Unknown and stars never explored

Un-sustained by passion and overcome with grief.

Lovely drifts and lovely sits,

Upon a trembling leaf

Of glory once diminished upon a raging sea.

Less and less lovely

It waits to find yesterday,

And live now as if it is forever

Simply because lovely is not what love is not

Simple and graceful with soft warm hands.

-J Barajas

My Dead Language

Listen to how long

Listen to how long

Time takes to fall

From my life

To the impenetrable ground

I slightly overestimated

How often you happen

I though a few years would do

At this rate it could take decades

Strangers enjoy your endlessness

Even more than I do

I run fields to catch you

In your most unloved moment

And finding you there is like losing

Every unhappy moment

Gently realizing warmth in the palm of my hand

All day I wait to watch you

Walk into wonder and amazement

When you do eternity disappears

Along with my grief, without all my fears

Living again quietly

Perhaps for many, plenty, unguarded years

-J. Barajas

My Dead Language

Did you know

Did you know

That I always knew

And by always I mean

As long as I’ve loved you

More words that even dwindling time

Could never express

And the simplicity of it all

Is quite overwhelming

I’m forced into shadows

Lost in troubled darkness

Content on realizing

That there is a someone

To whom I would never be one

Not that I go unnoticed

Just unmade

It’s the inevitable part of living

That draws you towards

Only what you know

And not what you love

-J. Barajas

 

 

 

My Dead Language

Listen to the possibility

Listen to the possibility

Of what they day could whisper

Save the dawn

Which is melancholy in its own madness

It takes every ounce of selflessness from you

Time has come up short once again

And I have nothing to offer

There is so much to pass by

You move so quickly,

Your feet disappear from under you

It means nothing more anyway

What you sow is what you reap

Isolated from that soul that never soundly sleeps.

-Jennifer Barajas

My Dead Language, Talking Poet's

Edgar Allan Poe: A master of horror

The first poem I ever memorized was “The Raven” by Edgar Allan Poe. Yes, it’s lengthy but also repetitive and the rhyming helps. I became obsessed with him and read everything I could get my hands on. This maybe why I’ve always had a high tolerance for morbidity and have embraced horror movies with eagerness. I mean when you read about a man getting walled up alive at the age of 9 and want to read more your parents might give you a sideways glance. So I started to read about the man himself. Okay I admit, marrying your 14 year old cousin is a bit pervy really BUT not uncommon for those days and if you believe what he writes, he loved her. Not love as you and I know it today but a love that pines, that has a life of its own. He died a mere 2 years after watching her die of consumption. He was only 40. Imagine what died with him. His own death was a mystery as he disappeared, reappeared incoherent and rambling and died days later. No autopsy was performed and his death certificate reads brain fever or something close and just as non-sensical. He is quotes as saying, “Lord help my poor soul,” before dying. So here we are, 2 weeks from Halloween in the year 2014 and I gravitate toward him. The man, the mystery, the genius. Let’s learn and read on together. And maybe love:

The Raven

By Edgar Allan Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“‘Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door-
Only this, and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;- vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow- sorrow for the lost Lenore-
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore-
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
“‘Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door-
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;-
This it is, and nothing more.”

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you”- here I opened wide the door;-
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore!”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Lenore!”-
Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my window lattice:
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore-
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;-
‘Tis the wind and nothing more.”

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed
he;But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door-
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door-
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore.
“Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore-
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning- little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blest with seeing bird above his chamber door-
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as “Nevermore.”

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered- not a feather then he fluttered-
Till I scarcely more than muttered, “other friends have flown before-
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.”
Then the bird said, “Nevermore.”

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore-
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of ‘Never- nevermore’.”

But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore-
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking “Nevermore.”

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then methought the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.
“Wretch,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee- by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite- respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil!- prophet still, if bird or devil!-
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted-
On this home by horror haunted- tell me truly, I implore-
Is there- is there balm in Gilead?- tell me- tell me, I implore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil- prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us- by that God we both adore-
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore-
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore.”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend,” I shrieked, upstarting-
“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted- nevermore!

My Dead Language

The heavens sleep

Leaving the day behind

Forgetting the world below

Hopelessly waiting

Wanting more than what the sky can offer

And don’t we all

Don’t we all do, what it is that we say

Let life be lived by unbecoming

-Jennifer Barajas Waldrop

Years that are left by the roadside

So maybe I’m not as tall

As the world is round

But I am good and I am honest

And a force neglected can be found

My Dead Language

From the Outside Looking In

From the outside looking in

You see the truth in me

Even when I don’t believe

You see, you see

If feeling is believing

Then I believe you

There are few to love

And even less to blame

How so

Just so

Despite everything

Just follow what you already know

There is not so much as little

So I wear this heart readily

In plain view, you see

How many more days will expire

Without this lonely hearts desire

Why do I keep

These memories that sleep

Wounded

Haunted

I cry deep, I know shame

These memoires you see

Good memories

But haunted just the same

– Jennifer Barajas

My Dead Language

I am but what the world seldom speaks-

I am but what the world seldom speaks-

Of starless nights and crowded skies

More lovely than time gone by

So today you were born

And I kissed every sweet moment

That resembled my remembering you

And today I left alone

I loved alone

I fought alone

What an unforgiving day

You’ve become already.

Too little to speak,

Too much to ask why.

So how do you do

How do you make what it is you speak

How do you live inside of you

Even I am full of you

I don’t know what to make of it

Left alone

 What can I do?

-Jennifer Barajas

 

 

 

My Dead Language

They passed away and so the past is away

They passed away

And so the past is away

It has a way of creeping up on you

Slowly drowning in you

Please forgive me and

Don’t let me give in

If you really listen

You can hear my broken heart singing

All I needed was a simple gesture

Something that might prove my usefulness

Yet I can’t seem to convince myself

Of my own worthlessness

An unfillable voice that is

Every humans disgrace

Longevity

Living a life long since gone by

Loving slowly and learning deeply

If anything is better than everything

I will take nothing

Listen, you can hear

The sound of me breaking into

Smaller pieces beneath your feet

Deep where love lies

In the fathoms you defeat

 -Jennifer Barajas