I didn’t think
I’d let you get away
Yet you are slowly slipping
Through my fingers
I no longer have the energy to keep
You’ve been abundant but restless
And I don’t quite fill your needs
You are far from what I imagined
Yet perfect in your every deed
So misfortune is my presence
You are no longer the light
That leads me into nothingness
Author: Jen
Dreaming lovely
Dreaming lovely
Never cared for shadows
Unknown and stars never explored
Un-sustained by passion and overcome with grief.
Lovely drifts and lovely sits,
Upon a trembling leaf
Of glory once diminished upon a raging sea.
Less and less lovely
It waits to find yesterday,
And live now as if it is forever
Simply because lovely is not what love is not
Simple and graceful with soft warm hands.
-J Barajas
Listen to how long
Listen to how long
Time takes to fall
From my life
To the impenetrable ground
I slightly overestimated
How often you happen
I though a few years would do
At this rate it could take decades
Strangers enjoy your endlessness
Even more than I do
I run fields to catch you
In your most unloved moment
And finding you there is like losing
Every unhappy moment
Gently realizing warmth in the palm of my hand
All day I wait to watch you
Walk into wonder and amazement
When you do eternity disappears
Along with my grief, without all my fears
Living again quietly
Perhaps for many, plenty, unguarded years
-J. Barajas
Did you know
Did you know
That I always knew
And by always I mean
As long as I’ve loved you
More words that even dwindling time
Could never express
And the simplicity of it all
Is quite overwhelming
I’m forced into shadows
Lost in troubled darkness
Content on realizing
That there is a someone
To whom I would never be one
Not that I go unnoticed
Just unmade
It’s the inevitable part of living
That draws you towards
Only what you know
And not what you love
-J. Barajas
Listen to the possibility
Listen to the possibility
Of what they day could whisper
Save the dawn
Which is melancholy in its own madness
It takes every ounce of selflessness from you
Time has come up short once again
And I have nothing to offer
There is so much to pass by
You move so quickly,
Your feet disappear from under you
It means nothing more anyway
What you sow is what you reap
Isolated from that soul that never soundly sleeps.
-Jennifer Barajas
Edgar Allan Poe: A master of horror
The first poem I ever memorized was “The Raven” by Edgar Allan Poe. Yes, it’s lengthy but also repetitive and the rhyming helps. I became obsessed with him and read everything I could get my hands on. This maybe why I’ve always had a high tolerance for morbidity and have embraced horror movies with eagerness. I mean when you read about a man getting walled up alive at the age of 9 and want to read more your parents might give you a sideways glance. So I started to read about the man himself. Okay I admit, marrying your 14 year old cousin is a bit pervy really BUT not uncommon for those days and if you believe what he writes, he loved her. Not love as you and I know it today but a love that pines, that has a life of its own. He died a mere 2 years after watching her die of consumption. He was only 40. Imagine what died with him. His own death was a mystery as he disappeared, reappeared incoherent and rambling and died days later. No autopsy was performed and his death certificate reads brain fever or something close and just as non-sensical. He is quotes as saying, “Lord help my poor soul,” before dying. So here we are, 2 weeks from Halloween in the year 2014 and I gravitate toward him. The man, the mystery, the genius. Let’s learn and read on together. And maybe love:
The Raven
By Edgar Allan Poe
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“‘Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door-
Only this, and nothing more.”
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;- vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow- sorrow for the lost Lenore-
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore-
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
“‘Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door-
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;-
This it is, and nothing more.”
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you”- here I opened wide the door;-
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore!”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Lenore!”-
Merely this, and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my window lattice:
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore-
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;-
‘Tis the wind and nothing more.”
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed
he;But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door-
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door-
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore.
“Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore-
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”
Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning- little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blest with seeing bird above his chamber door-
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as “Nevermore.”
But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered- not a feather then he fluttered-
Till I scarcely more than muttered, “other friends have flown before-
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.”
Then the bird said, “Nevermore.”
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore-
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of ‘Never- nevermore’.”
But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore-
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking “Nevermore.”
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then methought the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.
“Wretch,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee- by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite- respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”
“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil!- prophet still, if bird or devil!-
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted-
On this home by horror haunted- tell me truly, I implore-
Is there- is there balm in Gilead?- tell me- tell me, I implore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”
“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil- prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us- by that God we both adore-
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore-
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore.”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”
“Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend,” I shrieked, upstarting-
“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted- nevermore!
The heavens sleep
Leaving the day behind
Forgetting the world below
Hopelessly waiting
Wanting more than what the sky can offer
And don’t we all
Don’t we all do, what it is that we say
Let life be lived by unbecoming
-Jennifer Barajas Waldrop
Years that are left by the roadside
So maybe I’m not as tall
As the world is round
But I am good and I am honest
And a force neglected can be found
From the Outside Looking In
From the outside looking in
You see the truth in me
Even when I don’t believe
You see, you see
If feeling is believing
Then I believe you
There are few to love
And even less to blame
How so
Just so
Despite everything
Just follow what you already know
There is not so much as little
So I wear this heart readily
In plain view, you see
How many more days will expire
Without this lonely hearts desire
Why do I keep
These memories that sleep
Wounded
Haunted
I cry deep, I know shame
These memoires you see
Good memories
But haunted just the same
– Jennifer Barajas
I am but what the world seldom speaks-
I am but what the world seldom speaks-
Of starless nights and crowded skies
More lovely than time gone by
So today you were born
And I kissed every sweet moment
That resembled my remembering you
And today I left alone
I loved alone
I fought alone
What an unforgiving day
You’ve become already.
Too little to speak,
Too much to ask why.
So how do you do
How do you make what it is you speak
How do you live inside of you
Even I am full of you
I don’t know what to make of it
Left alone
What can I do?
-Jennifer Barajas
They passed away and so the past is away
They passed away
And so the past is away
It has a way of creeping up on you
Slowly drowning in you
Please forgive me and
Don’t let me give in
If you really listen
You can hear my broken heart singing
All I needed was a simple gesture
Something that might prove my usefulness
Yet I can’t seem to convince myself
Of my own worthlessness
An unfillable voice that is
Every humans disgrace
Longevity
Living a life long since gone by
Loving slowly and learning deeply
If anything is better than everything
I will take nothing
Listen, you can hear
The sound of me breaking into
Smaller pieces beneath your feet
Deep where love lies
In the fathoms you defeat
-Jennifer Barajas